Photo by Kurman Communications LLC via Flickr DEL NAKAMURA
Last week, Jack* and Jill* confessed they'd blown $400 at Zahav trying to save their marriage. But the whole night felt tense. On the drive home? Crickets. Then they had "obligatory date night sex" and both felt worse.
I see this pattern constantly in my sex therapy practice: She's struggling with low desire. He feels rejected. They're communicating, scheduling dates, doing “all the right things.” But end up feeling more distant?
Hollywood tells us date night should be all candlelit dinners, laughing over wine, that electric can't-keep-your-hands-off-each-other energy on the drive home.
When you're struggling with low desire, date nights make everything worse because they add pressure: You don't feel that excitement, you’re not excited on the drive home… you start dreading date night itself.
Why Date Nights Backfire
You've been managing everything all week: Work, kids, the endless to-do list. You’re fried. And then you're supposed to put on uncomfortable underwear, show up at The Love, and flip a switch?
Yeah, that's not how it works.
Scheduling dates made them this gigantic, looming thing for Jill. The closer that date gets, the more pressure builds, and the less she wants to go. She knows what date night means and what Jack is hoping for. So, then when she isn’t in the mood? He’s disappointed. She feels broken. Now she’s just doing it to check it off the list so she can stop feeling guilty for another week.
What most couples get wrong is when you’re struggling with low libido, your sex drive isn’t gone. When sex causes stress, your nervous system says “no thanks” because it doesn’t like to do things that stress you out. And the harder you try to force it, the more elusive it feels.
Jill literally stopped touching Jack on date nights. She'd sit opposite him, hands in her lap, careful to pull away if he reached out. Not because she didn't love him, but she didn't want to lead him on and disappoint him again.
But Jack picked up on that and started wondering if she still loved him, was attracted to him, if this is just how it's going to be forever.
This is what pressure does. It doesn't create desire. It kills it.
What Actually Works Instead
Your relationship doesn't need another $200 reservation at Suraya. It needs pressure-free connection.
Skip the fancy dinner. Grab baked goods and flowers from Rittenhouse Farmers’ Market and brainstorm your next vacation. Research hotels, make a “Top 10” list, dream together.
Try “side-by-side” connection instead of “face-to-face.” Visit the Art Museum or wander Wissahickon Valley Park. No agenda, no destination, just experience something together.
Do something that gets your blood pumping, like ice skating at Blue Cross RiverRink. Nothing gets you out of your head like possibly falling on your butt in public. Couples who play together stay together.
Try something novel: cooking class, pottery, anything new. Novel experiences keep you out of ruts and help you remember why you actually like each other.
Before your next date night, have this conversation:
"I know you've been feeling rejected, and I've been feeling guilty, but here's what I need: No sex tonight. I want to focus on having fun together without getting in my head about what's “supposed” to happen. I read this awesome article by a local sex therapist who said date nights actually make low desire worse, so let’s take the pressure off.”
The Real Problem
You can't "date night" your way out of a nervous system problem.
Couples who make the biggest breakthroughs with intimacy stop following generic advice and start understanding their specific desire type. Because what works for your friend who swears by lingerie might be the exact opposite of what you need.
So, before you make another reservation at Parc, ask yourself: Are you doing this because you want to, or because you think you should?
If it's the latter, cancel it. Brainstorm that “Top 10” vacation list instead.
If you're reading this thinking, “this is me,” because you tense up when touched and sex feels like a chore, you're not broken.
The truth is, there are different types of desire, and if you don’t know yours, you’re flying blind. I created a quick assessment that identifies your type, what’s blocking you, and what you can do. Take the Desire Assessment here and get personalized insights on how to increase desire for good, without the pressure.
Erinn Hoel is a sex therapist in Philadelphia. She helps motivated women unlock their libidos and enjoy deeper connection so their relationships stay strong (and fun) in the long-run.
